Body language is the language of love – well, it’s the language of attraction anyway. With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, let’s flirt with a little of the science behind body language and the lures we use in our dance with the opposite sex.

From across the room, the approach and the point of first contact, nonverbal communication is all you have. Eyes meeting, pupils dilating and that little prickle running across your skin are the first words in this silent conversation. Then even after the small talk begins your body is still speaking volumes about your thoughts and emotions. And the person you just met is reading you like a book. But do you even know how to read? More to the point: do you know what you’re saying?

Because reading and using body language is splashed across every gossip magazine in the check out isle you know all about it already right? Well not so fast. Let’s examine some of the “common knowledge” mythology first.

More than 90% of communication is nonverbal. Sorry but this one is just rubbish. It falls into the category of “this statement has been around so long and repeated so many times it must be true”. If you’re making first contact across the room, looking for the love of your life (or the love of your night) then of course then it all begins with a little nonverbal banter. But once you’re actually engaged in conversation with someone the tone and pitch of your voice coupled with the timing of your words carries far more information than some ambiguous arm crossing and rising eyebrows.

Copying posture. There are times when you’re chatting with someone and you’ll find yourself crossing your legs or leaning on one elbow and realize that your partner is doing the same. Who did it first? Are you dominant, or are you the one that’s following? This is a good sign that you’re both making a connection, but if you’re trying to mimic posture of someone on purpose then it’s not so easy to fake. The reasons why will become obvious shortly.

Copying gestures. A gently tapping of your finger on the table, caressing your drink or moving your hands when you talk. Mimicking these motions is a lot like replicating your partners’ posture. Adopting the same idiosyncrasies and movements of those around you is also largely unconscious when the conversation is flowing and there is a good connection. However like posture there’s more to it than just robotically following along like a pimply teenager learning to waltz.

So the landscape of nonverbal behavior is more complicated than it first appears, but there has been some recent work that sheds some light onto the different ways body language works in social situations, particularly attraction.

Body language predicts how attractive you are

In a typically scientifically stoic manner, a study titled “Patterns of Nonverbal Synchronization in Opposite-Sex Encounters” the researchers found indeed that people meeting for the first time tended to find partners more attractive if they we’re mirroring their own actions. But the attractiveness wasn’t based on a simple repetition of each other, instead it was discovered that it was the synchronization of movements between the two that accurately predicted attractiveness.

This brings into play the missing element from using body language effectively: Timing.

The nuances of mimicry carry more signals than just acting like a mirror. Like the spoken word the key to effective body language should also incorporate the analogues of tone, pitch and timing. Also like speaking it takes practice and forethought to deliver an effective message – especially one that comes across as sincere. It’s the absence of good timing in mimicry that all the body language and flirting advice out there is missing. A robotic copying of pose is a red flag that you’re lying as much as if you had said “Yes, that IS interesting” or “I’ve been a fan of the Dixie Chicks for years too!”

The best way to think when trying to connect to others with nonverbal communication is not a simple mimicking, but a rhythmic copying that flows over time. The conversation between your bodies is much more like a ballet than a chess game. It’s the time between mirroring and the movement. It’s motion and timing of changing your pose from A to B that’s important.

This can be a very complicated, choreographed dance between two people, with postures and gestures changing constantly and each partner responding and copying in time, in smooth natural motions. This isn’t all one-way either: one copies the other and back and forth in infinite variations. There is no magic formula like the glossy magazines would like to peddle; it’s a personal concerto that plays out for each of us.

How to speak like a native

It sounds like an insurmountable task then to change our body language consciously, but you only need to do two things.

1. Observe. This nonverbal chatter is going on all the time, all around. Watch how people are behaving when they interact and see the behavior bounce back and forth between them. See how it changes between people of different social statures and between one person obviously attracted to the other but not vice-versa. Watch not only what happens but when. Remember timing is everything here.
2. Practice. You can’t get good at anything instantly or by reading a ton of literature. The greatest benefit of practice is that it results in the calming your nerves, allowing you greater control over your body language. Let’s face facts, it’s very intimidating approaching a beautiful woman or man for the first time. Practice on your friends by consciously monitoring and changing your body language to try and mimic them first. Remember timing is everything here.

Romance is in the air, or at least on the airwaves if you watch a lot of TV commercials in the lead up to Valentine’s Day. So become literate in this other language, talk smoothly and time it right and you may find a valentine that hears what you have to say. Once you open your mouth though, you are on your own.

Need an interpreter? Well body language doesn’t transmit so well over the web, which is why I have a handy RSS and Email feeds available for you to subscribe to, in plain old English.

original image by Glenn remixed by Patrick

February 5th, 2009